9 Offensive Candies That Need To Get Woke Immediately

When M&M bravely transformed their M&M characters into progressive liberals they shined a spotlight on a problem no one had ever considered before. Can candy be racist? Can it be transphobic or deplorable? The answer, we now know, is yes. 

Here are nine more candies that need to follow M&M’s trailblazing example and get woke asap!


Almond Joy – Has nuts. Should get nut removal surgery and be transgender. Also, it’s wrong to feel joy in our broken, racist, evil country. That’s privilege. Do better, Almond Joy.

Sour Patch Kids – None of these kids have had gender reassignment surgery. They’re not even taking puberty blockers! Additionally, they are all diverse skin colors, and yet are getting along in harmony. Not woke all!

Mr. Goodbar – Where do we even start? Mister? Good? BAR?!

Sugar Daddy – Don’t you mean “Sugar-non-birthing parent?” REEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Twix - It's laudable that Twix has a left bar, but it also has a right bar, so it's basically a Nazi.

Gobstopper – Made by enslaved midgets, which is wrong.

Whatchamacallit – Belittling Ebonics to the level of candy. So racist. Though it does earn some points for having an identity crisis.

Dove Chocolate – A white bird for a chocolate candy? Are you serious?!

Dum Dums - Makes fun of the mentally less capable among us.


The next time you give in to your sweet tooth please make sure your candy is ACLU certified. Just because something is tasty doesn’t mean it’s woke. And if something ain’t woke then it’s broke!


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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