As Putin's wicked forces of darkness bear down on the peaceful utopia of Ukraine, you may be asking yourself: "What can I do to help?" Fortunately, there are things we ALL can do to express our extreme displeasure with Putin that will surely have a powerful effect somehow! Do your part, citizen!
Here are ten things you can boycott to protest Russia:
1) Your Russian mail order bride: You may have said your vows, but she'll definitely understand when you tell her it's important to the war effort!
2) The Russian mob when hiring hitmen: You have plenty of other options, like the notorious Mexican cartel MS13 or Hillary Clinton.
3) Communism: Really, you should have done this long ago.
4) All your Beef Stroganoff Hamburger Helper: Replace it with all-American Cheeseburger Macaroni flavor. Take that, Ruskies!
5) Russian actors: Watch a bunch of 80's movies, but fast-forward every time a Russian is on the screen. Do not give them the honor of screentime!
6) That one Russian dance where your squat and kick your legs out and shout "hey": We forget what this dance is called. But stop doing it. Now.
7) Use the term "hurryin'" instead of "rushin'": These small sacrifices really add up.
8) Buy ten million Adidas tracksuits so there won't be any leftover for Russians to buy: Actually, this might hurt the Ukrainians too, so never mind.
9) Your vacation home in Moscow: (Bernie Sanders only)
10) Your big red fake reset button: Throw it in the trash. (Hillary Clinton only)
Whatever you do, it's important to remember to always join in whenever everyone's caught up in a mass shared hatred of an entire people group. It's your patriotic duty!
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!