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Pfizer wanted to withhold vaccine data until 2096 but some annoying judge told them to release it now. The Babylon Bee has combed through hundreds of pages of documents to find data that backs up our already preconceived conclusions.
Here are ten scary side effects we discovered:
1) Covid: Hey, wait a second!
2) 23% increase in attractiveness to feminist SJWs on Tinder: "OOoo, you're VAXXED?"
3) Able to decipher Biden's coded speech: Get the vax to find out for yourself!
4) Your myocarditis can now get myocarditis: Not sure how that's possible but we'll trust the science on this one.
5) Your Windows PC will now install updates automatically without asking you: Hmmmmm...
6) A digital imprint on your hand and forehead that allows you to buy and sell: Convenient!
7) Public bathroom motion-activated paper towel dispensers will no longer respond to you: Ugh! How did people dry their hands in the past?!
8) You become allergic to water, but also develop gills for some reason: Not helpful.
9) You can sometimes communicate with chickens: But only sometimes.
10) Your hands will rub together uncontrollably like Nancy Pelosi: This explains so much.
NOT SATIRE: We at Earthley believe in medical freedom and the right to access alternative health modalities. We accomplish this by providing high-quality herbal products at affordable prices (and by being outspoken supporters of informed consent and freedom of choice).
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