In case you haven't heard, everything is woke now! This includes all your favorite places to shop. Since you can't swing a dead cat without hitting something woke, you may be left wondering if you can shop anywhere anymore.
Have no fear! The Babylon Bee is here to provide you with the following list of non-woke places to shop.
- The Ark Encounter gift shop: Your options may be limited to items related to the Great Flood, but we're sure you can find something suitable.
- The South Face: This may be a shady knock-off in the alley behind The North Face, but you can still get yourself a ridiculously overpriced coat.
- Church garage sale: Plenty of clothing options are available here, as long as you don't mind wearing Steve's old pair of gym shorts.
- Crazy Mohammed's Used Cars: This Islamic vehicle dealership is very anti-woke, but you may have to be willing to accept an old 1980s Toyota pickup truck with an anti-aircraft machine gun mounted in the back.
- Amish farmer's market: They don't have TV, internet, or cell phones, so there's definitely no wokeness to be found. Just delicious pies.
- Darnell on the corner of 9th & Main: He's got a wide selection of fake Rolexes in his trench coat. Perfect for Father's Day.
- The planet Mars: As things get more and more woke here on Earth, interplanetary shopping may be the future.
- Shop.babylonbee.com: Shameless self-promotion? Yes, but definitely not woke.
This obviously isn't an exhaustive list, but you should be able to get most of your shopping done without worrying about giving your money to a bunch of Commie groomers! In the meantime, you may want to start learning how to grow your own food, build your own furniture, and weave your own textile clothing for the inevitable day when everything is woke.
NOT SATIRE: Are you tired of Progressive Corporate America pushing policies that further divide Americans while eroding the future of the American dream? It's prominent all over the country - Progressive corporations pressuring their employees to conform to woke DEI policies, banks canceling customers, users being deplatformed by Big Tech, or retailers forcing gender ideology on your children when all you want to do is buy new clothes. What are your purchases actually funding?
Thankfully, with the PublicSq. Marketplace, you don't have to fund these companies any longer with your hard-earned dollars. PublicSq. is an app and website where you can get connected to tens of thousands of businesses from all different industries that share your value for life, family, and freedom. The best part of all, this marketplace is FREE to join for consumers and business owners alike!
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!