JD Vance may have been a Marine, but Kamala Harris' running mate Tim Walz was in the National Guard for over 24 years. Twenty-four! That's the same number as the title of a hit television show starring Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, another former soldier and eventual public servant. Coincidence? No.
Walz's military record speaks for itself. Here are just a few of his harrowing tales of valor:
"So there I was in France, out-gunned and near death. My Thompson submachine gun had just run out of ammo and I knew I was about to die, so I accepted my fate and just started shooting at an approaching tank with a pistol, but then the Army Air Corps bombed the tank just in time. Then, I held Private Ryan close and said: ‘Earn this.'"
"In another battle, my helicopter was shot down over a war zone in some place overseas with a lot of brown people. I looked at my squad mates square in the face and said, ‘Well, boys, looks like we got a Black Hawk down.' Everyone said ‘Hooah! Rangers lead the way!' And then we killed all the bad guys."
"U.S. politicians were being held hostage in Guatemala, so I went down there with a ragtag group of mercenaries to rescue them. But just as we were ready to head home, an alien with cloaking technology attacked, and it made clicking sounds, and one guy told me I was bleeding. I said, ‘I ain't got time to bleed.' Everyone clapped."
"One time, I destroyed the Bugger's homeworld in a simulation while training at the Battle School. Or so I thought. I thought it was a game, but the real game was being played on me. I thought I was about to graduate at the head of my class, but I'd decimated an entire alien species. I had an emotional breakdown after that and carried a Bugger egg around for a while and spoke for the dead. As one does."
"In Pennsylvania, we fought uphill even though General Lee explicitly told us not to. "Never fight uphill, me boys!" Lee said. But I turned around, defiant, and said, ‘The enemy's gate is down.' Everyone cheered."
"In my youth, I once attacked a bug planet and was the only Starship Trooper who survived, and we soldiers took naked showers together, and also I had super mind powers."
"My father died before my very eyes on the field of battle. In desperation, I took up my father's sword and cut the Ring from the hand of Sauron. People still sing songs of that day."
"I heroically held off the Persians at the pass of Thermopylae with just 300 Spartans. We were all naked too, just like Pride Month. In the end, it didn't pan out. But I died a hero's death and became a legend."
These stories are nearly impossible to believe, but he swears they are true. He would never lie. What a hero!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
