Everyone knows the biggest sign of a spiritually healthy church is the number of 5-star Yelp reviews you have, but oh no! Your church has a 2-star average rating!
Time to fix that, church leaders! This is a GOSPEL issue. Here are 7 innovative ways to raise your church's Yelp rating:
- Stop preaching the Bible: Who does that anymore? Ew! Instead, stick to light comedy with a moral, or just swap out your pastors for motivational speakers.
- Hire U2 for worship: Everyone's favorite band is sure to attract big numbers and high ratings! If you can't afford to book them, just hire Hillsong which is pretty much the same thing.
- First class section for wealthy parishioners: With massaging leather chairs, hot towels, and mimosas! Nice!
- Two words: Roller coasteeeeeeer!!! Your megachurch is large enough to hold at least three of them.
- Have the pastor promise to cut the sermon short by 15 minutes if everyone pulls out their phone and gives a 5-star review: Your church members can be first in line at Cracker Barrel!
- Reclining pews: We're taking a page out of the Cinemark book.
- Tell everyone they're perfect, just the way they are: Just tell 'em what they really want to hear, and watch your 5-star Yelp reviews roll in!
And there you have it – now go out into all the community, making tithers for your church, teaching them to leave positive Yelp reviews and raise your church's brand equity. You'll reap dividends, both financial and spiritual. But mostly financial.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.