Churches used to just play hymns on Sunday.
And churches used to be totally lame.
Nowadays, you've really got to entertain the sheep with some lit modern tunes. You've got to add some spice to your services, some pow to your proceedings, some mambo to your ministry. But if you really care about the souls in your congregation, you're not just looking at adding a few more Chris Tomlin or Hillsong tunes to your stale old stable of hymns - you're looking to throw in some secular songs for maximum spiritual carnage.
We're here to help, with six excellent secular songs for you to add to your worship set this very Sunday:
"(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" by the Beastie Boys - Just like Jesus fought and died for your right to enter heaven, so the Beastie Boys fought and died for your right to party. As your congregation belts out emotional lyrics like "Man, living at home is such a drag / Now your mom threw away your best porno mag!" they'll be transformed more and more into the image of Christ.
"The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden - From the ominous book of Revelation quote at the beginning melting into the driving guitar riff, to Bruce Dickinson's scream and Adrian Smith and Dave Murray's dueling guitar solos, Number of the Beast tells your congregation "We're here, we're worldly, and we're ready to ROCK." "'Cause in my dreams it's always there: the evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair… YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
The Theme Song from Pinky and the Brain - We'll be honest, this '90s cartoon theme song has no redeeming spiritual value. But it will show the congregation that you're hip and you know pop culture better than even they do. Maybe throw on a few clips from the cartoon itself while you're at it to help the sermon go down better.
"Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" by Barry White - You want your church members to date Jesus, right? Well who has ever been able to resist Barry White's deep, rich voice crooning this beautiful love song? Your congregation and Jesus will be going steady in no time!
"Cowboys from Hell" by Pantera - A good worship song communicates sound theology, and no song does this better than Cowboys from Hell by Pantera. Aren't we all just cowboys from hell when it comes right down to it? Deep stuff, Dimebag Darrell.
"Gucci Gang" by Lil Pump - Your church will know you're hip and modern when you play a song from an up and coming breakout artist like Lil Pump. His hit song "Gucci Gang" even has the faint echo of a spiritual theme - as well constant repetition your congregation will immediately warm to - as showcased nicely in the hook's lyrics: "Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang." Maybe he'll be the next big Christian rapper, who knows!
Well? Get on the CCLI website and start downloading the chord charts to each of these secular hits. If the music is too hard, just skip every other chord. Hurry up, before the church down the street beats you to it!