In case you haven't heard, college is expensive these days - and despite what many people think, a college degree isn't an automatic pathway to success and wealth. In reality, there is a long list of ways to invest your money that can provide a better return!
The Babylon Bee is here to prove it with the following comprehensive list of investments that offer a better return than a college degree:
A Red Lobster franchise
Hunter Biden paintings
A car that is currently on fire and driving off a cliff
An iPod Shuffle
A big ol' pile of dirt
Joe Biden collectible NFTs
VCR (that's a videocassette recorder for your Gen Zers)
DogeCoin (that's imaginary money with a dog on it for you boomers)
MySpace stock
Pogo stick lessons
Whatever currency they use in Venezuela
A 401k at Enron
America Online CDs
Oakland A's season tickets
Rose Tico action figures
That pier Biden built in Gaza
Pogs
A motorhome currently floating down a river
A chain of steakhouses over in India
Kristi Noem's Pet Resort
The exiled Nigerian prince who emailed you asking for financial help
CNN+ subscription
COVID-19 vaccines
Nickelback lunchboxes
Sam Bankman-Fried's next cryptocurrency enterprise
Coupons for free games of bowling at Boo-Boo Bowlers
Women's razor store in Portland
Cabbage Patch dolls
WNBA trading cards
Beanie Babies
A wind farm on the moon
All-you-can-eat buffet restaurant next door to Lizzo
Blackberry phones
Vacation timeshare in Gaza
Cicada farm
Future seasons of Amazon Prime's Rings of Power
Actual snake oil
Tupperware
Joe Biden's "How to Walk Like a Winner" instructional video course
Blocks of ice
A beachfront property in Kansas
A high-end jewelry store in downtown Oakland
Pretend pirate money from the Dollar Store
A parlay on New York Jets to win Super Bowl and Chicago White Sox to win World Series
Collectible Harry Potter Pez dispensers
Raw oysters
Liquor store in rural Utah
MAGA baseball cap stand at the Democratic National Convention
Your sister-in-law's essential oil business
Big & Tall clothing store in Cambodia
Angel Hernandez Umpire School
Hush money payment to Stormy Daniels
A subscription to The Babylon Bee!
Pour your money into any (or all) of the investments listed above, and you're guaranteed to get a better return than spending money on a college degree. Pick a few from the list to make sure you diversify!
NOT SATIRE: Unsure what to do after high school? Praxis can help.
Over the past decade, our team at Praxis has helped hundreds of young adults start their careers, build skills, grow their networks, navigate their job hunts, and develop a roadmap for their futures.
We know what it takes to succeed without college, and we'd like to share this knowledge with you and your family. Because we think it's important you're aware of your options. Especially considering the cost of college and average outcomes for graduates today.
That's why we created 5 Tips for Opting Out of College Successfully: A Short Course in Winning the Early Innings of Your Career Without A Degree.
It's a 45-minute workshop jam-packed with tips and exercises to help your teen or young adult gain career clarity, learn how to create value, grow his or her network, and achieve career success - even if they don't go to college.
You can access the full workshop for free by following this link.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.