PALM BEACH, FL — Democrat dreams of seeing President Donald Trump indicted and arrested this week were dealt a blow after Trump revealed he had preemptively pardoned himself prior to leaving office in January 2021.
"The radical Democrats will not succeed in this WITCH HUNT! I happen to have given myself the biggest, most beautiful pardon the day before I left the White House," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "This pardon exonerates me from any crime I did or didn't commit, at any time, ever, now or in the future. It is the greatest, most powerful pardon in the history of the world. The Democrats will not win! It's all a SHAM! SAD!"
Attorneys and other legal experts were reportedly engaged in debate as to whether or not it's actually possible for someone to pardon themselves for a crime they say they haven't committed. "This would be quite unprecedented," said lawyer and law professor Alan Dershowitz. "For a President to pardon himself for a crime, then maintain his innocence of the said crime, is a bold move, even for Donald Trump. This may go far beyond ‘4D chess' and into a fifth dimension of chess. The man is simply brilliant."
Democratic leaders from all levels of government remained convinced that this was finally going to be the time they successfully brought down Trump. "All the other stuff we've made up hasn't worked," said one unnamed Democratic insider, "but this time — THIS TIME — it's going to work! For real!"
At publishing time, Trump was planning to release a limited edition NFT trading card of his pardon for himself and sell it for $100 million.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!