UKRAINE — Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.
"These tanks are state of the art, boasting the latest and greatest in firepower, mobility, and of course LGBTQ-affirming camouflage," said Biden's Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "The fact the Russians would dare fire upon our rainbow-printed tanks shows how hateful, bigoted and on the wrong side of history these Russians truly are."
According to sources, it was a beautiful moment in Ukraine as the people cheered on the newly deployed Abrams tanks as they made their way down the streets of Kyiv. Unfortunately, this touching moment was cut short as the tanks rounded the street corner and were effortlessly, and easily targeted by Russian tanks in seconds.
Lloyd Austin responded in a statement: "The American military will learn from these mistakes made, and I personally promise to do everything in my power to make our fighting forces even more progressive. We now know that if we are going to stop the Russians, our tanks need to be more diverse, more equitable, and operated by non-binary, trans persons of color."
At publishing time, President Joe Biden stated that he was "putting boots on the ground", and that it was okay and not an escalation of war as long as the boots were rainbow-colored.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.