Investigators found classified documents in President Biden's garage. No one really knows why it was there, including Biden. But the real story is all the other stuff they found. His garage was a veritable treasure trove of scandal!
Here is the definitive list of items found in Biden's garage:
- Obama's birth certificate
- Private hair collection
- 180,000 Trump ballots
- One of Hunter's hookers
- Friendship bracelet from President Xi
- My Patriot Supply buckets (go to preparewithbee.com for an exclusive deal)
- The real Joe Biden tied up and gagged shouting, "Help! that guy's an imposter!"
- Unused StairMaster
- All the CIA's JFK documents
- Jimmy Hoffa
- Treasure map leading to the lost city of Atlantis
- A bunch of model train stuff
- A pay stub from Burisma
- The friendship bracelet he made for Obama but was too embarrassed to give him
- Industrial-size pallet of Metamucil
- A lock of Galadriel's hair
- White hood
- Cuties on Blu-Ray
- A nuke - literally an entire nuke
- Model of the Capitol building made of LEGO
- Joe Biden's brain in a jar
- Early classified copy of Hogwart's Legacy
- A surprisingly solid collection of tabletop board games
- Pontiac Aztek he's been restoring since 2014
- All of the eggs
- First 14 seasons of The Apprentice on DVD
- 12 vials of COVID-20 from Wuhan
- 500 boxes of Kellogg's Corn Pops
- A pallet of 10% for the big guy
Wow! So exciting! Who knows what they'll find next?
Babylon Bee subscriber Ben Mereness contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!