Due to quality control issues, Saint Peter's questionnaire at the Pearly Gates has gotten stricter. Still think you can get into heaven with all your terrible opinions? Check out this list and find out!
- Pineapple on pizza is delicious: Nice try, Satan!
- In-N-Out has great fries: No thanks, but you'll be getting plenty of those soggy noodles where you're going.
- The Earth is slightly more than 6,000 years old: Peter frontloads this question in the survey – it's a real time-saver.
- Adam had a belly button: Yuck!
- Jesus baptized all those people in the Jordan river by just sprinkling some water on their heads: Everyone knows your level of salvation directly maps onto how wet you got during baptism!
- Jesus only died for the elect: What do you think "the world" in John 3:16 means?!?
- Jesus died for all: Are you saying one drop of the Savior's blood was shed in vain?!???
- Behemoth was a nickname God used for Job's mother-in-law: Great joke, roasted! Just like you're about to be.
- Steak should be cooked well-done: You know what else is about to be cooked well done? You.
- Starbucks has good coffee: Say "hi" to Joel Osteen for us while you're down there!
- Pepsi tastes ok: You'll be a great fit in hell's cafeteria – this is all they serve!
- Amazon's The Rings of Power wasn't so bad: Heresy!
- Switchfoot is just "alright": If this is you, you'll hate heaven's elevator muzak. "Dare You To Move" all day!
- Rolls of toilet paper should unwind from underneath in the holder: Security will escort you out.
- It's ok to just leave your shopping cart rolling around the parking lot: May God have mercy on your soul. Oops! Too late!
- You prefer ‘Sloppy Wet' to ‘Unforeseen' kiss: Not Canon. You probably believe God's love is "reckless," too!
- "Amazing Grace" has a chorus: Not up here it doesn't!
If you hold to any of these woefully incorrect opinions, change them now, before it's too late!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
