KANSAS CITY, MO — A local boy was confronted with a cold reality today after realizing he's far too intelligent to ever be President of the United States when he grows up.
"I really hoped to be President one day, but I'm too smart," said Scout Smith. "I try to learn as much as I can and I study hard, but it suddenly dawned on me that all of the guys who become President really aren't that bright, and that's when I realized leading our nation will never be my future."
Despite their son's disappointing realization, his parents privately expressed relief. "Thank God our son is too intelligent to ever be President," mother Lacy Smith said. "That means he can actually grow up to do something positive in the world! I would have felt like a failure if all he could do was become President!"
With his presidential aspirations no longer an option due to his wisdom and understanding of right and wrong, Scout was ready to move on to other, more noble pursuits. "Maybe he can grow up and do something that actually serves as a force for good," said his father, Josiah, "like a really based social media personality or a film director who can make Star Wars content that's actually good!"
At publishing time, Josiah and Lacy had resolved to increase their efforts to ensure all of their other three children also became intelligent enough to avoid ever suffering the fate of becoming President of the United States.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
