The FBI raided former President Trump's Mar-a-Lago home and found incriminating evidence that he was once President of the United States of America! While they were there they spent over four hours cracking open a solid gold safe.
Here's what they found:
- Thousands of McDonald's receipts: Immaculate record keeping!
- Three pallets of Norvell Premium Sunless Tanning Solution, Dark 1: Only the best for our President!
- World's best president mug: The mug has been detained for questioning.
- Barron's Xbox controller because he's grounded from Xbox: This is a relief. We thought he was ghosting us on Xbox Live.
- The kickstand for Biden's bike: Sneaky!
- Obama's actual birth certificate: Everyone was wrong. He was born in Zap, ND. Weird.
- A note that reads "You FBI guys are low IQ. Sad! Not good!": This was found in a safe within a safe.
- Free verse, reflective poems: So sensitive!
- Several dozen copies of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Probably the inspiration for all the booby traps federal agents had to evade.
- The actual nuclear codes and not the fake ones he slipped to Biden: Wait a minute, wouldn't the real president have the nuclear codes?
- Little tiny shampoos which were stolen from the White House bathroom: Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!
- Over a million unsent tweets: Carefully recorded and cataloged on papyrus scrolls.
- A signed agreement between Trump and Pence that he would not "mean tweet" Pence: Appears to be scrawled in crayon on a KFC napkin.
- The Mirror of Erised: When he looks into it he sees world peace.
NOT SATIRE: Do you think legacy media operations are advancing brain-dead woke narratives and ignoring stories that don't fit neat progressive politics?
So do we. We're Good Kid Productions, a start-up documentary channel and we're telling the stories the establishment ignores. We're devoted to beating back the ideological kudzu strangling the country and preserving America aka the greatest experiment in self-government in human history.
Want the inside scoop on how Harvard canceled its best black professor because he wouldn't adhere to the woke party line? We got you.
Looking for a video brave enough to challenge the bunk "anti-racism" of Ibram X Kendi? We got you.
Want to know what could possibly be driving schools to still force kids to wear masks? We got you.
We also host an interview show with our intellectual heroes. Recent appearances include Jay Bhattacharya on his COVID blasphemy, Glenn Loury on how to be a good father, Heather Mac Donald on her street cred, Coleman Hughes on his favorite rap music, and Charles Murray on the fundamental lie of the education system.
These are the stories no one else is willing to tell, and the ideas no one else is willing to touch. Check out our channel and subscribe today.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.