The FBI raided former President Trump's Mar-a-Lago home and found incriminating evidence that he was once President of the United States of America! While they were there they spent over four hours cracking open a solid gold safe.
Here's what they found:
- Thousands of McDonald's receipts: Immaculate record keeping!
- Three pallets of Norvell Premium Sunless Tanning Solution, Dark 1: Only the best for our President!
- World's best president mug: The mug has been detained for questioning.
- Barron's Xbox controller because he's grounded from Xbox: This is a relief. We thought he was ghosting us on Xbox Live.
- The kickstand for Biden's bike: Sneaky!
- Obama's actual birth certificate: Everyone was wrong. He was born in Zap, ND. Weird.
- A note that reads "You FBI guys are low IQ. Sad! Not good!": This was found in a safe within a safe.
- Free verse, reflective poems: So sensitive!
- Several dozen copies of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Probably the inspiration for all the booby traps federal agents had to evade.
- The actual nuclear codes and not the fake ones he slipped to Biden: Wait a minute, wouldn't the real president have the nuclear codes?
- Little tiny shampoos which were stolen from the White House bathroom: Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!
- Over a million unsent tweets: Carefully recorded and cataloged on papyrus scrolls.
- A signed agreement between Trump and Pence that he would not "mean tweet" Pence: Appears to be scrawled in crayon on a KFC napkin.
- The Mirror of Erised: When he looks into it he sees world peace.
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Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.