10 Ways To Prepare For A Fun, Successful Riot

The temperatures are rising, and you know what that means: riot season is here! Before you go out for a nice evening of looting with the boys, be sure to follow these ten steps to ensure you have a fun and successful riot:

1. Ask your mom's permission: There's nothing worse than coming home from rioting to an angry mom.

2. Get in some warm-up exercises: Do a few sets of Molotov curls and iPhone lifts to get loose.

3. Find the correct color minority friend to go with: This can vary by riot, so pay attention.

4. Request time off from work: Hahaha just kidding, we know you don't work.

5. CARBO LOAD: Burning down cities takes a lot of energy!

6. Get a selfie stick: If you're not snapping selfies while burning down a courthouse, what are you even doing?

7. Strap on your old shin guards from little league to use as armor: Man, you look so cool.

8. Pack some Pepto Bismol: Because rioting with a tummy ache is the worst.

9. Sand Mr. Miyagi's deck so you can learn how to block: The police will be helpless against you.

10. Try to figure out what cause you'll be rioting for: Then be sure to shout about it while you're stealing booze.

You're all set! Now get out there and firebomb a small business.

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Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.