Every company wants to grow, thrive, and be successful, but only truly GREAT companies want to do it by focusing obsessively on the skin color and sexuality of their workers. Improving your company's DEI score is the most important thing you can possibly do for your company.
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of ways to turn your workplace into a wokeplace.
- Take off your shoe and smack a white person in the head with it: Bonus points are available if the striker shouts "White! White! White!" while doing so.
- Hold a mandatory indigenous spirit dance in the boardroom every Tuesday: Any team member who refuses to participate or don the required loincloth will be fired.
- Amend the employee handbook to require everyone to be gay: A perfect workplace is a workplace overflowing with gayness.
- Go to Starbucks, point at the first woman of color with a septum piercing you see, and say "You're hired!": If it works for making appointments to the Supreme Court, it can work for you.
- Keep having 3-hour diversity seminars until all the white guys quit: Removing an entire race of employees is the first step toward inclusion.
- Offer a bonus for anyone who gets an abortion: We're not sure why this improves your DEI score, but the WEF confirmed it does.
- Provide free gender surgeons in the restrooms: On-site gender surgery means less time off needed by employees.
- Invite Hamas to give a talk about killing Jews: It's important to get the perspective of the brave resistance fighters who are fighting their colonizers by murdering babies.
- Allow minority workers to loot the desks of their white coworkers whenever they want: If any white employee's desk goes un-looted, simply take reparations out of their paycheck.
- Offer unlimited curry in the cafeteria (this will get you Indians): A guaranteed way to score some of the most sought-after employees.
Follow the steps above and your workplace will be well on its way to a stellar DEI score! Good luck!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
