As you may already know, global thermonuclear war is nearly upon us, but while that may cause some people to feel depressed, you may be happy to know there are some surprising upsides.
The Babylon Bee is here to lift your spirits with the following list of perks to living through the upcoming nuclear holocaust:
- No more jury duty: You may have to worry about roving gangs of mutant cannibals, but definitely not jury duty.
- Your wife will have a whole new glow: You won't be able to put your finger on it, but she'll just seem… brighter.
- You'll probably lose a ton of weight: Ozempic can't hold a candle to radiation poisoning.
- Your morning commute will be much lighter: Hooray!
- It will be much easier to get a tee time at the golf course: Just watch out for the zombies on hole 12.
- Nuclear winter will finally get rid of that awful global warming: We did it, Greta!
- You won't have to brush your hair any more: This just keeps sounding better.
- No more mowing the grass: Thanks, apocalypse!
- You can just set your microwave oatmeal out on the patio: What a perk.
- You'll develop special mutant abilities, but some people won't appreciate your powers and will want to enact some sort of mutant registry and then a nice bald man in a motorized wheelchair with an underground airplane hangar will take you in and show you it's ok to be yourself: Awesome!
See? The oncoming onslaught of nuclear weapons raining down upon civilization won't necessarily be all bad. Chin up, soldier!
NOT SATIRE: FOOD IS THE FOUNDATION OF SURVIVAL.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD TO GO WITHOUT? Maybe you could last a few days. Maybe even a whole week without food. Maybe...
The truth? Most people are not mentally, emotionally, or physically prepared to deal with the consequences of even short-term food scarcity. And that's during times of peace. The caloric demands of a crisis would be even more intense.
DON'T RISK IT. INVEST IN YOUR FOOD SECURITY NOW.
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Keep morale high with family favorites like macaroni and cheese, buttermilk pancakes, chocolate pudding, and more!
These easy-to-store meals are designed to last up to 25 years so they're ready when you are. Enjoy them now or in the years to come.
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World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.