Sioux Falls, SD — Elders at Covenant Reformed Church have made the unfortunate but necessary step of placing one of their members under the discipline of the church for having a patchy beard.
"Beloved in the Lord, since we are responsible for one another as fellow members of the body of Jesus Christ, we are deeply concerned when a member of the body wanders from the Christian way and does not repent," began elder John at the last Lord's Day service. "Therefore, it is our painful duty as office bearers of this church to inform you that Brian Harris has sinned and given offense against God and his church with his insubstantial beard and remains unrepentant to this day despite our prayers and admonitions."
"Through his failure to grow facial hair our brother Brian is breaking the covenant bond with the Lord and his people," continued Elder John with tears welling up in his eyes. "Thus, we have suspended his participation in the sacraments and we also have suspended the other privileges of communicant membership."
"Who sinned this man or his parents that Brian's face would be barren?" cried out one woman from the pews. "Oh, Heaven help us!"
Covenant Reformed Church has always held to a firm belief that growing a full luxurious mane on par with a sea captain or civil war general was one of the primary signs of being elected and predestined from eternity past.
"This is why we say they will know of our doctrines of grace by our beards," said Reverend Ken Struiksma. "John Calvin. Theodore Beza. John Knox. Even a Baptist like Charles Spurgeon had a respectable beard."
"Since the time of the Reformation, a beard has been a sign of a break with Rome and all papism," continued the minister. "In hard cases like Brian's refusal to repent, that is why the church has been given the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven and authority to exercise this kind of discipline. "
At publishing time, Covenant Reformed Church announced a new members class that would include the latest beard grooming tips to make sure no one else ends up like Brian.
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