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If you have a crushing burden of debt weighing down your life, you need to get out fast. But how?
The Babylon Bee is here to help out with the following list of surefire ways to get out of debt ASAP:
Take a job driving for Uber as a front for your REAL business — harvesting the organs of your passengers for sale on the black market: Just remember to watch out for fierce competition in LA and Chicago.
Start your own Ponzi scheme: You'll be rolling in Benjamins in no time with only a slight chance of being indicted and sentenced to decades in federal prison.
Remind all your creditors that money isn't real, man: It's just a made-up societal construct.
Search your closet and find that 1st edition Beanie Baby you've been saving for years: Time to cash in.
Park a taco truck at the end of J.B. Pritzker's driveway: You'll get him when he leaves and when he comes back home.
Start dating Bill Belichick: He may be old, but that dude is loaded.
Skim small fractions of pennies out of millions of different transactions, and then try to kill Superman: Procure some Kryptonite, and you'll be all set.
Pay attention to what Nancy Pelosi invests in and emulate her: Nobody knows how to rake in money like members of the U.S. Congress.
Sink so deep into debt that you collapse multiple banks by not paying it back, and then get the government to bail you out: Works every time.
Die: Your debt can't follow you into the afterlife, only be transferred to your heirs.
Who needs Dave Ramsey? Just follow any of the tips listed above, and you'll be out of debt and rolling in cash in no time. Have your own methods for getting out of debt fast? Post them in the comments.
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Woke Jesus is back with a new collection of socialist teachings for your edification.
