Now that Kash Patel has been officially confirmed as the new director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, he's rolling out a new list of top priorities for the agency to focus on moving forward.
Through intricate back channels, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of priorities for the FBI under Kash Patel:
Determine how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: Previous testimony from an owl has been proven to be falsified.
Locating the lost Sankara Stones: A mystery that holds great cultural significance to Patel's people.
Find out why aliens seem to only abduct drunk hillbillies: What are they hiding?
Investigate why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch: No law enforcement organization has been willing to touch this one.
Round up everyone who used the "poke" feature on Facebook: It's time for those obnoxious people to face justice.
Declassify KFC's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices: Buckets of delicious fried chicken have already been seized as evidence.
Investigate the long-rumored existence of a place called "Vermont": As of yet, no proof has been provided to confirm it.
Find out once and for all who killed Mr. Boddy in the library with the lead pipe: Most recent reports indicated that Colonel Mustard remains the prime suspect.
Investigate the status of Half-Life 3: The world has a right to know.
Kidnap Gretchen Whitmer for real this time: Stop getting everyone's hopes up and do it already.
It's about time we started getting answers to all of these mysteries. What other cases should the FBI focus on? Post them in the comments below.
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