We all know that Jesus was a socialist. It's pretty obvious, because we heard a college professor say so one time.
Nonetheless, there are many neanderthals who still don't know this beautiful truth. To help you convince them that Jesus was a passionate supporter of a centralized economy, totalitarian state, and redistribution of wealth, look no further than these 10 indisputable proofs:
1.) Remember that one time he held a political rally and inflamed the masses to seize control of the means of production? - What more proof do you need that Jesus was a tried-and-true socialist? This is definitely our favorite Bible story.
2.) Jesus distributed loaves and fish to everyone and then declared himself General Secretary and sent millions of people to die in the Israeli gulags - Jesus distributed the food equally, after making everyone wait in a 16-hour-long breadline. Then, it was the gulag for the non-believers!
3.) He punched a Nazi - The Gospel of Marx records this beautiful story of the Lord punching Nazis and then telling them to turn the other cheek for more beating.
4.) Jesus went into an airplane hangar and overturned all the jets, and then demanded high-speed rail instead. - People think of Jesus as a gentle, kind soul, but He showed righteous anger sometimes, like in this narrative where he flipped over all the fuel-guzzling, carbon-heavy jets and threw His support behind the Green New Deal.
5.) He also forcefully took 90% of the rich young ruler’s earnings and created free healthcare for all. - A lot of people think this narrative was to show the high cost of following Jesus, but it was actually to show how we should tax the rich by force in order to pay for healthcare and free internet.
6.) He compassionately put the sick and blind on Obamacare plans - One of the main reasons people believed Jesus was the Messiah was His amazing miracles of putting people on sensible ACA plans.
7.) In a powerful statement, Jesus triumphantly entered into Jerusalem driving an environmentally friendly Prius. - This was a powerful statement, declaring Himself to be Messiah and also really woke.
8.) He hung out with tax collectors to thank them for their work - It’s commonly thought that Jesus hung out with tax collectors to get them to repent of their thievery. But this is wrong. Jesus actually was thanking them for their valuable redistributive services.
9.) When Lazarus died, Jesus raised him from the dead so he could vote Democrat. - Jesus performed this miracle a few times, raising hordes of people from the dead and leading them straight over to the voting booth so they could cast their vote for a Democratic candidate. Democrats are following in His footsteps, still performing this miracle today.
10.) These well-known Bible verses are pretty good proof too:
- Blessed are those who don’t feel like working, for they shall be given free money.
- What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and nobody seizes his riches?
- Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, namely everything.
Well, if you don't believe Jesus was a socialist by now, you definitely need to turn yourself into the local gulag for reeducation, comrade!
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.