Unless you're a total weirdo, it's unlikely you consider paying taxes the best part of being an American. Fortunately for you, there are some creative and innovative ways to avoid paying your taxes. That's right, avoiding paying taxes IS possible — you just have to know how to do it!
Our team at The Babylon Bee is here to provide you with some of these new ideas!
- Launder your money through Ukraine and start a war to cover it up: It's a fool-proof plan (or it has been so far, at least!)
- Be poor: Poor people don't have to pay taxes. Be like one of those poors.
- When they come to audit you say "You'll always remember this as the day you almost caught [say your name]" and then leap to your waiting pirate ship: Highly effective.
- Be the President's son: It's a little-known fact that having your dad be the President means you can basically do whatever illegal activities you want.
- Develop a drug problem severe enough that the authorities won't even notice your tax delinquency: Also, be the President's son.
- Offer the IRS a choice between your tax payment or whatever is in a mystery box: The joke's on them — when they inevitably choose the mystery box, it's full of bees.
- Become a wealthy megachurch pastor and list all expenses as "ministry-related": "Ministry jet," "ministry yacht," "ministry PS5." Plus, as a pastor, you can even hide all your cash in the walls of your megachurch.
- Claim 15 million illegal immigrants as your dependents: It would be hard for the government to say it's not true.
- Explain to the IRS that all your debts were paid on the cross: Thank you, Lord!
- Start a Revolutionary War: As long as the IRS is across the ocean and only armed with muskets, you should be just fine.
See? It's easy. Find where you fit into one of the categories above, and you can forget about having to pay taxes!
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.