Last week, PayPal released an "Acceptable Use Policy" that included a $2,500 fine for people who use their service involving "the sending, posting, or publication of any messages, content, or materials that…promote misinformation." We scoured the rest of PayPal's AUP and Terms Of Service, and you might be surprised at what else can incur a $2,500 fine, so we listed out the biggest surprises here for your convenience. Read up and watch out!
- Not having a Ukrainian flag in your bio: This is grounds for an immediate $2,500 fine which will be immediately sent to help fund the war effort.
- Saying that you don't really find Lizzo all that attractive: She is a powerful, beautiful large woman. How DARE you.
- Posting a selfie without a mask: Anything less than two N-95 masks and you'd better open that wallet.
- Leaving a bad review for Amazon's The Rings Of Power: Such bigotry deserves a fine, which will go toward funding season 2, which is expected to cost $4 billion.
- Having an uncle or distant relative or remote acquaintance who was at the Capitol on Jan 6: You must be fined. For DEMOCRACY.
- Being named "Steve": Steves are the worst!
- Not going to see Bros on opening weekend: You make Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle!
- You're only triple-double-quadruple boosted: Until Congress finally passes legislation upgrading being behind on boosters to first-degree murder, a $2,500 fine will have to suffice.
- Asking the homeless camp in your driveway to turn the music down: And don't even think of installing "anti-homeless architecture" or you'll get hit with so many fines you'll soon join them!
- Wearing a Captain America t-shirt unironically: This is probably fascism, Christian Nationalism, or maybe even all-out Nazism. Take off the dumb shirt, Steve!
And that's it! Keep your black squares posted when you're told, don't even think about mentioning that filthy horse dewormer, and you'll be welcome to continue using PayPal's reliable service. If PayPal takes misinformation like this seriously, imagine the fines for full-blown disinformation! Watch out!
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.