Being alive is hard. If you don't eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you're eating might be literally killing you!

Do not eat these foods or you will surely die:

1. Fatty foods
2. Non-fat foods
3. Gluten
4. Gluten-free food
5. Taco Bell's new Cheesy Chipotle Arsenic Wrap
6. Red meat
7. White meat
8. Green meat
9. All other types of meat
10. Vegetables
11. Carbonated beverages
12. Expired food
13. Tofu
14. Lamb, if it's holding a shiv
15. Seed oils
16. Non-seed oils
17. Rat poison
18. Corn syrup
19. Maple syrup
20. Sugar
21. Artificial Sweeteners
22. Oats
23. Boats
24. Steamed hams
25. Dairy products
26. Almond milk
27. Soy
28. Grains
29. Nuts
30. California Raisins
31. Other raisins
32. Any food you have to chew
33. Any food you have to drink
34. A rich pasta with a spicy meat-a-ball
35. Eggs (not that you can afford them)
36. Vegetables
37. Humans
38. Fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
39. Other fruit
40. Water

Stop eating all these things immediately if you want to live.

---

NOT SATIRE: It's time to elevate your immune system. The best way to prepare your body for cold and flu season is to build your immune system every single day.

Your immune health starts in your gut as 70% of your immune cells are located within your digestive tract. So, if you're used to grabbing vitamin c packets every time you feel a cold coming on, it's time to elevate your immune system with Nouri's daily StayWell packs - now available in 2 flavors: Lemonade and Passionfruit.

Grab yourself a box (or two) of StayWell so you can beat seasonal sickness by supporting your immune system. Use code FIRST20 at checkout for 20% off your first order!

---

Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.

Watch Santa's retirement announcement