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Public schools are getting a lot of bad press these days — sometimes it seems like everyone is dog-piling on them for harmless little things like failing to teach basic skills, blatant indoctrination, or transitioning children to other genders without parental consent.
But did you know that there are actually many distinct advantages to sending your kid to government schools? We at the Babylon Bee have compiled this list of the most important things your kids can't learn anywhere but public school — take a look!
Your kids can learn the proper technique for stuffing dollar bills in a transgender stripper thong: Just remember, George Washington's face always faces away from you.
Your kids will learn the proper amount of hatred to have towards different people depending on their skin color and level of oppression: That's a real win for anti-racism.
Free watermelon-flavored condoms: Free and watermelon? You can't get those at Walgreens.
You'll get some sort of return for your sky-high property taxes: Hey, if you're paying for it, you might as well use it.
Your kids will never be exposed to bigoted religious superstition like the Ten Commandments: Separation of Church and State achieved.
Your kids will be taught to look up to real-life heroes like Mao Zhedong and Harvey Milk: They'll be eligible for the Red Youth by third grade, too.
Your kids will become experts at making crude protest signs to wave around at the state capitol whenever Soros pays them to: Homeschooling can't teach that.
Your kids will learn who owned the land under the gymnasium before Christopher Columbus ruined everything: The Puppashwoot people demand justice.
You can look forward to meeting your child's new groomer on Back To School Nights: This year's edition has a neckbeard and is grossly overweight.
You don't have to lift a finger to raise your kids because the government will do it for you: The government always does a great job!
Don't let your kids miss out on great stuff like this. There's still time to enroll them before school starts — go on, get!
NOT SATIRE: Students across our nation are being cheated from attaining a quality education by misguided bureaucrats, corrupt teachers' unions, and anti-American activists infiltrating our schools. Political leaders are weaponizing diversity, equity, and inclusion directives to divide and dumb down our students and communities. Schools across our nation are touting "gender fluid" restrooms, rejecting meritocracy, and neglecting to teach civics education. Millions of students are subjected to learning alongside unacceptable and unsafe behavior, while teachers' hands are tied from making needed changes. Enough is enough. We must restore structured learning environments with academic standards, teach young people about civil discourse instead of dividing them with "equity" initiatives, and protect parents' fundamental rights regarding notification policies about their children. Parents, educators, and concerned citizens must fight back. Sign the petition to stop "woke" education in our schools.
Stop Woke Education Sign The Petition Today
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions