WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to local authorities in the nation's capital, a large mob of unhinged extremists has converged on the National Mall to politely state they would prefer it if 3,000 babies weren't being killed every day.
"It's disturbing to be reminded that lunatics like this really exist," said Capitol Police Chief Donald Jones to reporters, who were huddling behind barricades for their safety. "It's a sobering reminder that pockets of extremism still thrive in remote corners of this country. We will remain vigilant to ensure these deranged people don't make any rash moves to stop the mass slaughter of babies."
Several representatives from the group made their demands known in the form of polite statements to the media and cardboard signs held by school kids. "Yeah, that's pretty much it," said Dirk Flanders, spokesperson for the Please Stop Killing So Many Babies Foundation. "If it's not too much to ask, maybe we can not kill 3,000 babies every day? I dunno, is that rude?" Thankfully, the disturbed zealot was quickly shouted down by a group of brave activists screaming into a bullhorn and throwing tampons.
Sources confirmed hundreds of thousands are attending this march and several like it around the country. Law enforcement is encouraging citizens to ignore it and pretend like nothing is happening.
At publishing time, sources had seen Ray Epps in the crowd trying to convince the crazed lunatics to storm the Capitol.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
