NEW YORK — Authorities announced they had no choice but to put down Stephen Colbert after the late-night host tragically went mad from rabies last week.
"We just couldn't bring him back. He was too far gone," said Don Mattingly, head of New York City Animal Control. "When we caught him, Colbert was already foaming at the mouth and had bitten three patrons at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. It was anarchy in there."
According to animal experts, Colbert had begun showing early signs of rabies infection over the past week, the initial symptoms sadly going unnoticed. "The dead eyes, the angry outbursts, the bite marks of several bats on his shoulder - we should have seen the signs," said Late Show producer Lacy Jennings. "I began to suspect something amiss when Stephen started drooling and screaming that a Force image of Trump was hitting him with a lightsaber, but that just wasn't real out of character. I feel so responsible."
Though Animal Control attempted to trap Colbert in order to administer rabies treatments, the former comedian had already lost most of his brain tissue by the time he had been cornered in the steakhouse. "He was just a shell of himself by then. The rabies was in control," said Animal Control agent Randy Timms. "Poor little guy kept taking his glasses off and screaming that the end was nigh, and asking if anyone could pour a bucket of ranch dressing in his mouth. He was already gone."
At publishing time, Animal Control experts in Los Angeles reported they had been notified of a rabid Jimmy Kimmel.
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