NOGALES — In yet another 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that Texas must remove all barbed wire along the border and replace it with a massive, plush red carpet.
"How will migrants be able to get in the country if there's barbed wire in the way?" said a visibly confused Justice Sotomayor. "They might get hurt! An elegant red carpet makes much more sense. It's soft and red and can helpfully point the way to gaps along our border and make our new migrants feel welcome. It says that in the Constitution somewhere. Like, in Section 3 Article B or whatever."
The border patrol responded to the ruling immediately and is now hard at work cutting gaps in the barbed wire fence and rolling out a red carpet across the border. "Hooo boy! This is just like in the Hollywood picture shows!" said one officer while rolling out a carpet for a small band of Al Qaeda operatives and Somali pirates. "Welcome to America, friends! You're all stars to us!"
The ruling also specified that migrants be supplied with limousines, bodyguards, and expensive gift bags filled with face creams and jewelry. "It's the least we could do," said Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. "It says that in the fourth paragraph of the 38th Amendment, I'm pretty sure."
At publishing time, Texas Governor Greg Abbott had desperately attempted to deter migrants by lining the red carpet with bear traps.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
