TUSCALOOSA, AL — Excitement ran rampant following last night's Republican presidential debate, as the Ron DeSantis campaign celebrated an outstanding performance that slashed former President Donald Trump's lead in the primary to just 39 points.

"He's really building some momentum now," said DeSantis's campaign manager James Uthmeier. "With last night's impressive performance, the governor is hot on Trump's heels! We're only trailing by a margin that would have other candidates quickly announcing the end of their campaigns, which means we're really gaining steam."

The governor's campaign, which has been the object of criticism due to a reluctance to leave the race despite a seemingly insurmountable deficit in the polls, hoped to use this sudden surge to its advantage. "The tide turned last night," Uthmeier said. "At this rate, we'll only be 37 points behind by the time people start voting in the primaries, and by the summer of 2030, we'll really make this race interesting."

With the Iowa caucus just over a month away, the remaining GOP hopefuls are putting the finishing touches on what promises to be a series of resounding defeats throughout the 2024 primary season. "There's no stopping us at this point," Uthmeier said confidently. "When we look back on our decisive primary losses, we'll remember last night's debate as the turning point."

At publishing time, the campaigns of fellow Republican candidates Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, and Vivek Ramaswamy were said to be ramping up their efforts to trim Trump's lead to a mere 35 points by January 1.

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