SHAWNEE, OK — Local authorities were placed on alert this morning after being notified that an insane conspiracy theorist expressed his opinion that President Joe Biden was still alive.
The wild viewpoint, which runs counter to all common sense and logic, caused the man's family and friends to fear for his mental state and notify community officials that someone was roaming freely around town holding the extreme position that Biden wasn't dead.
"The guy's totally out of his mind," said one concerned citizen. "To think that there could be a person in 2024 who refuses to come to grips with reality and just admit that Biden kicked the bucket months ago… it's insane. I've met flat-earthers and people who think the moon landing was fake, but Biden being alive? That's one conspiracy theory that's absolutely implausible."
The man, Jake Barnes, was adamant in his position. "I know it sounds crazy," he said. "Just hear me out on this. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that Joe Biden didn't die over the weekend and he's still actually alive. Is it really that far-fetched? Just imagine, despite what all facts and public narratives try to tell you, he could be walking around at the White House this very minute!"
Barnes was then tackled by law enforcement and detained for further questioning. A police department spokesperson would not comment any further than saying the city takes unhinged conspiracy theorists very seriously.
At publishing time, word leaked that police had determined Barnes also shockingly believed that Biden had actually been running the country since his inauguration.
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