HANOVER, MD — Former presidential candidate and First Lady Hillary Clinton was seen at a local Bass Pro Shops strolling up and down the aisles looking to buy from the store's selection of sniper rifles.
Sources close to the Clintons say her visit to the hunting and fishing store has nothing to do with the recent public release of court records listing powerful clients of the late human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, but that the former Secretary of State just really loves the Second Amendment.
"I'm gonna need a high-power scope for this bad boy," said Clinton while hefting a bolt-action Mk 17 Mod 3 onto the gun counter in front of a visibly nervous employee. "My old M40 used a Redfield 3x9x40, which worked fine for my needs, but I've heard great things about the Nightforce Advanced Tactical Riflescope. Got one of them?"
The employee nodded, placed the requested scope on the counter, then wiped sweat from his brow with his Bass Pro Shops handkerchief, "May I ask what sort of...um...game you'll be hunting so I can fit you with the best shells?"
"Oh, it'll be big game. Big elks or deers. Don't you just love deer meat? Yum. Anyway, sometimes they're sedentary, scrolling through unsealed documents, or jogging, or driving to work — er — to the meadow to feed," said Clinton, "The 180-grain .308 shells I used in the past could go through windows and office chairs just fine, so I'll need the .300 Win Mag to do the same, and it needs to range beyond 1,000 yards."
At publishing time, Hillary Clinton had been seen leaving the Bass Pro Shops with a sniper rifle over her shoulder and pushing a cart carrying over 30 million bullets.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
