EL PASO, TX — In response to the growing outcry over tens of thousands of migrants illegally flooding into the United States, President Joe Biden deployed federal agents to the southern border to help block journalists' cameras.
The president issued the emergency order as criticism continued to mount that he's doing nothing whatsoever to secure the border and probably has severe dementia.
"It's time to address these reports about the border, folks," Biden said. "To maintain our national security, I have no choice but to send federal agents to the southern border to keep journalists from reporting on the massive hordes of foreign nationals pouring into the country. These brazen acts of journalism will not be tolerated. There will be no more media reports about the thousand…million billion…hundred thousand…the…all of the…the folks down there. End speech. Go to Jill for ice cream cone."
The Biden administration has faced outrage from Republican leaders due to the brazen attempts of journalists to cover the story. White House insiders expressed hope that the deployment of federal agents would solve the problem. "We'll just send thousands of big, burly border agents to block those cameras," one source said under the condition of anonymity. "If no one sees what's going on, the problem doesn't exist! It's brilliant!"
At publishing time, the team of federal agents were confirmed to have been issued whips to help them deal with unruly photographers.
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