NEW YORK, NY — A recent article by rookie New York Times journalist Billary Blinton cited mounting evidence that former Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was perfectly poised to replace President Joe Biden on the 2024 Democratic ticket.
"Hillary is spry, sharp, and ready to go," Blinton wrote in a 4,000-word article. "She's definitely in a fantastic position to replace Biden on the ticket, unite America, win the presidency, delete all her old emails, knock off a few political rivals, and be a really amazing grandma to her tremendously beautiful grandkids."
Blinton's article argued the benefits of a Hillary nomination, citing the fact that all the campaign materials already existed and people already knew (and overwhelmingly loved) Hillary Clinton as a candidate.
"I, Billiary Blinton, believe Hillary has what it takes to finally obtain the thing she's wanted for so, so many decades. You can easily imagine her just sitting there, quietly staring at Biden, wishing that Italian mob boss she's hired for so many years and given so many millions of dollars to would just take care of things like he always has... hypothetically speaking, of course."
At publishing time, Blinton had also completed an article titled "Breaking: Monica Lewinsky Still A Fat Cow."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
