WASHINGTON, DC — In a little-publicized move, the Biden Administration recently recruited a former NASCAR pit crew to make lightning-fast changes to the President's diaper whenever he soils his pants.
The scheme was first revealed after NASCAR crew leaders began to be bombarded with ads seeking a "Race Car Pit Crew That Can Also Change Diapers." The ads specified that the crew would have to be able to change a diaper within 3.4 seconds, or "fast enough that nobody can notice it."
"We initially responded to the ads and were asked to come try out," said Brandon Keyes, rear changer for the Josh Biggles Racing Pit Crew. "Then I found out that my job as Rear Changer was about to get a whole lot harder. We finished in about 4.3 seconds, which was a good switch, but then they told us that we weren't diverse enough, and asked if we'd be okay with adding a transwoman of color as our front-changer. I'd rather just stick with the cars."
While most pit crew teams allegedly decided to stay with their jobs at NASCAR, one unique team decided to step up to the challenge. Members of the team have reportedly been called to diaper-changing duty almost continuously for the last 23 hours and are collapsing from exhaustion and permanent nose damage.
At publishing time, the White House was allegedly pushing ads for a pilot to help feed Biden by telling him "here comes the airplane."
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
