NEW YORK, NY—NYPD detectives are reportedly investigating an attack on a large band of youths who allegedly insulted pastor and author Timothy Keller, making a quip about his baldness before being mauled by two large bears.
According to witnesses, as Keller was on his morning run through Central Park, a “very large” group of young men watching him pass snickered, one of them shouting, “Hey baldy! Run, baldy, run!” toward the pastor.
“Yeah baldy! Go on, run, baldy!” another youth added, before the two high-fived.
Horrified onlookers reported that Keller stopped jogging, took out his iPhone earbuds, and calmly closed his eyes and uttered a prayer. Immediately, they claim, two massive female grizzly bears charged out of a nearby wood and mauled forty-two of the screaming youths.
Keller, whistling the tune of “A Mighty Fortress,” bent down to tie his shoes as the boys were attacked by the full-grown apex predators, and he waved and smiled at a few onlookers who watched in shock.
A smiling Keller then took a deep, refreshing breath and continued his run, according to sources.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.