ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Gavin Martin, youth pastor at Springs of Living H2.O, has announced his retirement from loving on people.
“I’m done,” the 28-year-old said. “I’ve spent years trying to do it, and then suddenly it hit me. Why can’t I just love people? Do I really need to be on them too?”
According to inside sources, the beloved youth pastor’s announcement has sent waves through Living H2.O, and the community wants to know—What will this mean for the youth? Will they feel abandoned and fail to reach their full potential? Is Martin even qualified to stay in ministry?
“Those are all legitimate questions,” Martin admitted Wednesday, “but Jesus never said, ‘Love on your neighbor as yourself.’ I thought he did. I mean, really, I thought he did. But the Bible is full of surprises. Turns out my life verse is an entire word shorter than I thought.”
Asked if he will have the superfluous word removed from his forearm tattoo, Martin replied, “It’ll be painful and expensive, but I’m prayerfully leaning toward it. Who knows, maybe the extra space will build suspense.”
Living H2.O’s lead pastor-visionary-strategist-skeptic-failure-dreamer, Chase Vanderline, has not responded to multiple requests for comment.