HOUSTON, TX — Eyewitnesses at Lakewood Church reported that a congregant who shouted "Jesus is Lord" during a morning service was quickly told by Joel Osteen "I think you're at the wrong church."
Sources say that the incident happened shortly after someone stood up during an Osteen talk to declare the sovereignty of Christ.
"Whoa there, bud. I think you belong at the much smaller church down the street," said Osteen. "I'm the one around here who gets to declare what blessings I receive — not some 'Jesus' fella."
Osteen then declared several words of victory and assurance over himself and continued with his speech, naming and claiming another yacht. "I keep my mind focused on yachts, which is why God gives me yachts. You're the one in charge of your life. What are you focused on, a lambo? You do not receive because you do not ask! God is just waiting to pour out yachts and lambos on this congregation. Ask Him!!"
Several ushers reportedly ushered the man who had shouted that "Jesus is Lord" out and told him to please go name and claim a different church where he could make such proclamations. They then confiscated his wallet and beat him with sticks.
At publishing time, Benny Hinn had also told someone they were at the wrong megachurch after showing up with a visible disability he couldn't just pretend to heal.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
