HEAVEN — A representative of Heaven confirmed on Thursday that people who line the dashboards of their Jeeps with little duckies will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Duck Duck Jeep, or Jeep Ducking, is the act of leaving rubber ducks on other Jeeps, which are then typically lined up on the dashboard — an act now clearly identified as an affront to creation itself.
"It's not technically sin, but it's very seriously frowned upon and typically a sign of unrepentance in other areas of life," a spokesangel said. "We just can't allow that sort of riffraff in."
According to biblical scholars, the languages were confused at the Tower of Babel in part because the people had it in them to invent Jeeps and line the dashboards with little duckies. When the people were separated from each other, Jeep Ducking was put on hold. For a time.
Archaeological findings confirmed that it wasn't until Egypt's Middle Kingdom that the spirit of Jeep Ducking would return. "The ancient Pharaohs were famous for lining their war chariots with rubber duckies," said Egyptologist Dr. Fitzpatrick Amaz. "And you know what happened to them."
In light of this new information, Jeep began directly discouraging the lining up of little ducks on the dashboards of their vehicles. "We want to do the right thing, so we're actively looking into solutions for our 2028 models that will make it impossible to line up ducks on the dash," said Toledo Assembly Complex Manager Dilton Meyer. "If God wills it."
At publishing time, the spokesangel had also confirmed that eternity in Hell awaited all those who decorated their vehicles with window stickers of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes urinating on anything.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
