INDEPENDENCE, MO — A local man once again showed his undying affection for his beloved dog by unleashing a torrent of hateful insults. Neighbors could hear the man shouting angrily at the faithful canine companion he attentively takes care of every day.
"You stupid idiot dog!" Tim Kelly yelled while taking his yellow lab, Chewbacca, out on a morning walk. "Go poop, you freaking moron! I don't have time to walk around with you all day." Shortly before this interaction, Tim was overheard lovingly praising the dog as they began their walk. "Hey, buddy. Are you ready to go outside? Good boy, Chewie!" he said prior to flying into a rage moments later.
Neighbors expressed confusion regarding the nature of the relationship and even went as far as to question Mr. Kelly's mental stability. "He usually seems like such a nice guy, but when he comes out with the dog, look out," said Roger Hughes, who lives next door to the Kellys. "One minute, the dog's his best friend. The next minute, it's the bane of his existence."
For his part, Chewbacca seemed to only be behaving as a dog normally would, not committing any of the crimes against humanity that might warrant such vitriolic abuse from his master.
Mr. Kelly's Hulk-like rage seemed to have subsided as he lovingly petted Chewie and gave him fresh bowls of food and water. The dog rested comfortably yet steeled himself, knowing his next verbal beating would not commence until he needed to go out again to pee.
At publishing time, Mr. Kelly had given Chewie an affectionate pat on the head before going to bed and said "I love you, you dumb, dumb dog."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
