ISRAEL — Archaeologists, who are scientists who study old stuff, dug up an incredible find in the Holy Land earlier this week: a box of red pens purportedly used to write the words of Christ in the New Testament.
The box of red pens was partially used, likely by Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John, who would switch to the crimson-colored writing utensils from their usual black Bic pens whenever they were recording the exact words of Christ.
"Bible scholars have been searching for this for centuries," said head archaeologist Dr. Max Macon. "We knew that if the New Testament record is trustworthy, then the red pens the gospel writers used to write the words of Christ had to be around here somewhere. And now we once again have the Bible's account confirmed to be 100% reliable."
"To think that Luke or Matthew might have pulled out this box and started scrawling down Jesus's parables... it's pretty amazing." The red pen was also reportedly used by Paul's scribe to correct his grammar in the first draft of his "very angry and emotional" letter to the Corinthians. "Whenever Paul got either really upset or really worshipful, he'd toss all the grammar rules out and just bang out these super-long run-on sentences with prepositions at the end and everything. It's still the Word of God, of course, though."
Scholars are still on the hunt for the box of black pens used for the narrative, introduction, maps, study notes, table of contents, and page numbers, though there is division over whether the person who finds it gets to keep it or if it "belongs in a museum."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
