WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entire world is in a panic this morning at the news that Dr. Fauci, the living embodiment of science itself, will be retiring in December. The scientific community is already announcing mass resignations now that the High Priest and the mediator between mankind and the laws of nature will be gone. Experts are predicting a dangerous rise in superstition, divination, and Twitter misinformation without the wise and infallible words of Fauci there to guide humanity toward safety and ultimate perfection.
"This is a disaster," said one scientist. "We are surely headed for another Dark Age without the transcendent wisdom of Gaia's Oracle here to guide us. The end is nigh."
Sources say Fauci plans to spend retirement golfing, spending time with family, and weaponizing Monkeypox in his basement.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
