BOSTON, MA - A local university professor began his World History class in earnest this week with a trigger warning for his socialist students, in case any of them might get an anxiety attack at socialism's bleak, deadly record.
The professor warned students that the conception of socialism they gained through social media is a far cry from the death and destruction wreaked by the economic system throughout the globe in the 20th century.
"Now, just in case there are any socialists in here, I warn you: socialism's history isn't pretty," he said calmly. "If you need to excuse yourselves from class while we talk about socialism's low standards of living, rampant starvation, and high mortality rate, please feel free."
"This might get uncomfortable," he added.
The professor also offered alternate make-up work students could perform instead of learning about socialism's high failure rate, such as drawing pictures of unicorns and playing with puppies. "If it helps ease your mind and calm you to do something like play with a yo-yo, hacky-sack, or whatever else you kids are into these days, knock yourselves out."
All but two of his students excused themselves, according to sources.