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Socialist Leaders Clarify: ‘We Only Want Socialism For Everyone Else’

U.S.—Many people seem confused by socialist leaders, who are often well-off, amassing wealth and luxuries for themselves while complaining about the excesses of capitalism, but those socialists have clarified that they never intended socialism for themselves, just for everyone else.

“I’m doing pretty well for myself and don’t need socialism,” Bernie Sanders, who is a member of the one percent and owns multiple houses, explained. “Other people aren’t doing so well, and we should redistribute their wealth amongst each other, but I’m fine as I am.”

This was reiterated by multi-millionaire Jim Carrey. While the salary he gets paid could be redistributed to support countless other struggling actors, that was never his intention with socialism. “We need to take from the billionaires,” Jim Carrey said, “but us lowly workers with barely a hundred million to rub together should be left alone.”

Recently, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was criticized for wearing a $3500 outfit in a photo shoot, which seemed a celebration of the luxuries of capitalism that ran counter to her supposed support of socialism. When pressed on it, she seemed confused by the criticism and simply explained, “I like pretty outfits!” She was also asked again how she plans to pay for her $40 trillion in proposals, though she seemed confused by the numbers and simply blurted, “I like pretty outfits!”

After briefly consulting Urban Dictionary on her high-end iPhone, she added, “Get used to me slaying lewks, fam!”

At publishing time, various socialist supporters across the country had confirmed they only want wealth redistributed from people who make more than they do. “What I make should be the cut-off line,” said one woman.