WASHINGTON, D.C. - With news coming out that the United States Supreme Court has overturned Roe v Wade, millions of women have accepted their fate and are lining up outside the SCOTUS building to receive their complimentary Handmaid's Tale uniforms.
"Well, I guess it has come to this - I'm a Handmaid now," said former pro-choice activist Pixie Stankbugg, draped head to toe in a red robe and wearing a white bonnet. "We tried to stop it, but we're officially in the Handmaid's Tale now. Now, where do I go to get impregnated by my assigned male Commander?"
The Biden Administration had promised to do everything it can to meet the demand for red robes and white bonnets.
"Don't worry, we're gonna order as many as we can so all you womenfolk can get a uniform," said Biden to a red towel draped over a bathroom hook that he mistook for a Handmaid. "Wow, you dames sure look attractive in those things. Do I get a handmaid too?"
Authorities tried to remind the nation's women that abortion law will just be in the hands of the states and no one has to be a Handmaid, but it was too late as the nation's feminists had already donned their uniforms and declared themselves the willing citizens of the theocratic government of Gilead.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
