TUSCALOOSA, AL — According to sources close to local man Greg Bernard, the construction sales representative, husband, and father of five often makes cracks about how emotional and moody his wife is, despite the fact that he himself is only happy if his favorite sportsball team scores more points than the other sportsball team on that particular weekend.
"Women, am I right?" he quipped to his friends at the sports bar on a recent Saturday outing, his weekly trip to spend nine hours watching college football. "The wife gave me a bunch of guff before I headed out. Must be that time of the month!"
Bernard then looked up at the screen and saw that his favorite sportsball team either missed a field goal, had a batter strike out, or possibly had some sort of penalty called against them. "Are you friggin' kidding me?!" he screamed, throwing his hands up in the air. "You've gotta make that play; you've just gotta!"
He went home that night "practically in tears" and was in low spirits for several days afterward, according to his friends and family.
Based on the average performance of his favorite sportsball team, sources claim, Bernard is usually happy about three weeks every month, meaning he has about one week a month where he's in a sour mood. "I just stay away from him for that week," his wife told reporters. "I'll bring him ice cream and chocolate and just give him his distance."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.