RALEIGH, NC — Proud air fryer owner Connie Simpson went a record seven minutes today without telling anyone that she owns an air fryer.
"I guess I got so caught up in talking to my mom about her needing emergency brain surgery that I forgot to mention what I did with my air fryer yesterday," said Ms. Simpson. "Anyhow, she's fine - but you'll never believe what I tried in the air fryer yesterday: paninis! They were ah-mazing!"
Ever since purchasing the air fryer, Ms. Simpson has rarely found time to do or talk about anything else. "It's been a wild ride," said Ms. Simpson. "If I'm not physically cooking something in the air fryer, I'm out there spreading the news about it. The way pizza reheats, the crispness you can get on chicken wings - this thing is LIFE CHANGING!"
Though happy for her, Ms. Simpson's friends have admitted they do not fully understand the obsession. "I mean, it's a tiny convection oven. There are like, five things it's good for," said neighbor Lorie Evans. "I'll grant that it's genuinely superior for cooking bacon, but that's pretty much it. She's over there trying to make cupcakes and stew in that thing."
Sources say Ms. Simpson has now developed her own "Air Fryer Gospel Tracts", with which she is steadfastly working to convert the neighborhood.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions