GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Thousands of women around the country are being forced to face a terrifying new reality in which they actually have to use one of the dozens of cheap, readily available methods of birth control in post-Roe America.
"For the first time, my habit of having unprotected sex with a different Tinder date every week to fill the empty hole in my soul may have consequences," said local concerned woman Sandra Tibbensburg. "I can't be bothered to stop at the gas station and pay three bucks for a pack of Trojans every time I go to a sleepover at a strange man's house! This is literally The Handmaid's Tale."
Some women are even going further, taking the drastic step of avoiding sex altogether outside the bonds of marriage. "I can't believe it has come to this point, but I may have to start being responsible with my body and relationships," said another concerned woman. "My very humanity has been stripped away from me now that I can't act like a sex-crazed animal. This is so scary."
With the dangers of post-Roe America ever-present, many women are now demanding servants follow them around to feed them free birth control crushed up in applesauce on a spoon. "If we don't do this, rights are dead in America," said Tibbensburg.
At publishing time, men reported being terrified they may actually have to start working hard for a woman's affections and getting married before having sex.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
