DELPHI, IN—A strikingly clever pun on the marquee of Beacon Baptist Ministries has reportedly sparked revival in the town of Delphi, Indiana.
“I’ve never talked to God in my life,” claimed area resident Darrell Jones, “but when I saw that ‘Son screen prevents sin burn,’ I pulled right over, dropped to my knees, and begged God for forgiveness. Right there on the side of the road I gave my life to Jesus Christ.”
“Later on, Brother Dwayne told me that’s called ‘sending God a knee-mail,’” he added.
Brother Dwayne Baker, who has managed the church sign for years, told reporters that he knew it was just a matter of time before massive revival broke out. “When I first started, I thought ‘1 cross + 3 nails = 4given’ would do the trick. I was young and naïve. ‘Boaz was a Ruthless man before he got married’ was popular with the congregation, but wasn’t helpful as an outreach tool. Then a couple years back, when I posted ‘What’s missing from Ch__ch? U R,’ we preemptively bought honey baked ham for 700. The folks here just weren’t ready—we’re still eating that ham at my house.”
“But this week we finally nailed it.”
Jeffrey Shaw was a staunch atheist before chatter around town caused him to check the church sign out for himself. “I thought Christians were bigoted hatemongers worshiping a cosmic child abuser. But when I saw that marquee, I saw the light. Literally—thousands of headlights up and down the road. All of Delphi came out. And there was Brother Dwayne, shouting, ‘How will you spend eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?’ I’m a new man. I’ll never be the same.”
For Brother Dwayne, “God gets all the glory. It’ll be tough to squeeze all of Delphi into Beacon Baptist on Sundays. I’m just glad the church is prayer-conditioned.”