CHICAGO, IL — With the month of June coming to a close and various consumer brands across the retail spectrum looking for ways to differentiate themselves in a non-Pride Month marketplace, makers of the popular sports drink Gatorade have announced the product will be switching its name back to Straightorade.
"It's our standard name 11 months out of the year," said brand marketing spokesman Conrad Thompson. "Most people don't realize that we only call it ‘Gatorade' during Pride Month. It's a common misconception that it's been called that all along, but nope — we're ‘Straightorade!'"
After the public backlash against other corporate brands like Bud Light and Target, the decision-makers behind Gatorade were adamant that they would not suffer the same fate. "We want everyone to know that we're all about straightness over here," Thompson said. "And while we do have flavors that come in a wide range of colors — a rainbow, one could argue — we want to make sure our heterosexual consumer base knows we are staunchly behind them. Yay, straights!"
Some consumers were confused by the announcement. "Wait a minute…they're switching ‘back' to Straightorade?" asked a bewildered Simeon Purtle. "If I drank it when it was Gatorade during Pride Month, did that, like…make me gay? Was it gay-inducing? Did it change me?! Do I need to drink some Straightorade as an antidote?!"
At publishing time, the company was unsure whether it would rebrand as Gatorade again next June, with its previously tentative plan of hiring Dylan Mulvaney already being scrapped.
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