VATICAN CITY — With no pope to oversee them, the College of Cardinals has been staying up every night playing Goldeneye 007 and building pillow forts, according to Vatican insiders.
The cardinals converged on the Vatican to mourn Pope Francis and also to take up the heavy burden of picking Francis' successor. But at some point during the funeral proceedings, it dawned on one of the cardinals from Africa that they could really stretch this whole conclave business out as long as possible and get in some great "bro time."
"Bro time" for the cardinals reportedly consists of firing up the Vatican's Nintendo 64, guzzling down liters of Mountain Dew Code Red, and hanging out in their extravagant papal pillow forts.
"Proximity mines in Temple, my dudes!" Vatican attendants believed they heard Cardinal Mario Spaghetti Ravioli yelling out behind the secretive closed doors. "Then we can do as brother Mario suggested and play Complex again on paintball mode."
"Hey, we agreed that no one would play Oddjob, Your Eminence!" replied what attendants believed to be the voice of Cardinal Beer Pizzaballa. "Canon law has stipulated since 1997 that Oddjob's shortness makes him unfair to use in competitive play in this College of Cardinals!"
"Okay fine, we must abide by canon law, of course," Cardinal Ravioli conceded. "But now you must face me in a Golden Gun showdown in the Library."
Since the pope's funeral, the cardinals have only been spotted emerging from their Casa Santa Marta residence a couple of times to sign for fresh pizza deliveries. Smoke was seen emerging from the residence on Monday, which caused speculation that perhaps the cardinals were coming closer to deciding who would replace Francis, but experts say it wasn't enough smoke.
At publishing time, cardinals had reportedly decided to get around to picking the next pope, but only after a few more rounds of slappers-only in the Facility.
This freshman had a bright future ahead of her, but then her parents spent $250K to send her to a public university.
